


Having Kittens at Christmastime

by MistyBeethoven



Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [84]
Category: Freaked! (1993)
Genre: Bad childhoods, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Doctors & Physicians, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Friendship, Gatherings, Hospitals, Love, Marriage, Miracles, Pregnancy, Redemption, Relationship(s), Rescue, Rescue Missions, Road Trips, Sick Character, Sideshows, Sirius - Freeform, praying, soulsearching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28267530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: On Christmas Eve, Ricky Coogin, trying to escape his reattached lover and best friend, decides to accept his old rival Ortiz the Dog Boy's invitation to be present for the birth of his first child.However, when the mad scientist and Freek Land operator, Elijah C Skuggs, disguises himself as a Doctor and steals the baby, Ortiz enlists Ricky's help in going after the villian and saving the day before the baby's mother wakes up and it's Christmas Day!
Relationships: Ortiz the Dog Boy & Elijah C. Skuggs, Ortiz the Dog Boy & Ricky Coogin, Ortiz the Dog Boy (Freaked!)/Me, Ricky Coogin & Cowboy, Ricky Coogin & Elijah C. Skuggs, Ricky Coogin & Me, Ricky Coogin & Stuey Gluck, Ricky Coogin & Worm, Ricky Coogin & the Bearded Lady, Ricky Coogin/Julie
Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [84]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Having Kittens at Christmastime

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas Eve everybody! We have a little different of an entry to this series on this special day. Keanu's character and I are secondary roles here...
> 
> Someone else gets the chance to shine...
> 
> So without further ado...
> 
> Shine on Alex Winter, shine on!
> 
> Oh, and by the way, my sister has a crush on you. She's a Bill girl and I'm a Ted girl. It's all fair.

Ricky Coogin rode down the road in Santa Flan, driving the same convertible that he had once travelled in with his best friend, Ernie, and a protester whom had later became his lover, a woman named Julie. It was the same car, the same road but neither Ernie nor Julie were with him this time, having decided to become sewn back together again and agreeing (a rare move for the two of them) that they wanted nothing to do with Ortiz's sudden invitation to be present at the hospital when his lover, Erin, gave birth to their first child.

"Going to the hospital for an ex's baby being born, isn't really my thing," Julie had declined, reminding Ricky that Ortiz and Julie had once been lovers, following her transformation into Siamese twins with Ernie, the first time around.

"Yeah, I was there too," Ernie stated. "It wasn't pretty to see a Dog Boy getting it on. I pity the girl that he got knocked up."

Julie turned around and grabbed her regained twin's nose, imitating whapping it off with her other hand.

" _What_?" Ernie squeaked, holding his offended nose.

"Knocked up?" she repeated the choice of words she had in turn found offensive.

"Okay, _impregnated_ ," the man she was attatched to said, leaving Ricky shaking his head and wondering why they had ever wanted to be rejoined in the first place when all they ever did was fight. "In any case, we were never _true_ freaks in Freek Land," Ernie complained. "Ortiz and his gang were there much longer with Elijah C Skuggs. Why should we go?"

Ricky didn't want to point out that while everyone else had been turned back into normal human beings, even Ortiz and the Worm eventually, Ernie and Julie had been the only two whom had actually chosen to continue their rather, errr, _unusual_ status.

In fact, it was something even _he_ didn't want to think of it these days.

That was probably why he had agreed to go by himself, on the ruse that he would represent them all and thus escape his complicated and bothersome home situation.

"But tomorrow's Christmas Eve," Julie complained, looking at him in a way that almost induced enough guilt to make him stay. "We got to spend Hannukah together...I was hoping for Christmas too."

"Yeah, I know, but I'll phone you and try to be back by then," Ricky said, trying his best to hold her.

"Okay," she had finally caved in and then looked up at the mistletoe hanging over their heads. "Kiss?" she had requested sweetly.

"Kiss," Ricky Coogin had said, leaning in for a smooch that made him momentarily forget that they weren't alone.

That was until they had parted and he had seen Ernie waiting for his kiss too.

* * *

The hospital was mildly busy but not too bad. The waiting room was primarily being inhabited by the other former members of Freek Land, whom had thought it would be fun and fitting to commemorate the most momentous event of their leader's life by dressing up as milkmen. It was something only those aware of a long ago lame brained escape plan hatched by the motley crew would understand.

Having seen it first hand, Coogin got the gesture but understood the strange glances from anybody not in on the joke.

"Richard my dear boy!" Worm said, walking over in a stride which almost seemed like a crawl. "So good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too," Ricky said with a large grin, offering him a hug.

"Ricky," the Bearded Lady said quickly coming up for a hug too.

Feeling a hand on his back soon after, Ricky jumped and turned to see the Cowboy standing there. "Sorry! Without the hoof, I didn't know it was you."

"Don't worry, I understand," the man whom used to have udders remarked. "I'm still getting used to not having free milk for my Shreddies."

"So, how far along is she?" Ricky asked, thinking of Ortiz's wife, well "wife" if you considered owning each other's pet licences valid proof of a marriage.

Shortly after Erin had bought one for the Dog Boy, following their kinky cohabitation, she had been abducted by the revenge minded abd demented Skuggs, whom had then used the Zygrot on her, turning her into a calico Cat Girl.

Ortiz and Erin had lived together in this state suprisingly harmoniously until he had gotten off of his book tour, Ricky remembered, and had brought the antidote to the two lovebirds...or sex kitten and sex hound as it were. They'd been doing it up in a tree when he had found them.

Shortly after their return to human form, Erin had found out that she was pregnant, leading up to her current labor this particular Christmas Eve.

"She should be due any minute now," Cowboy stated.

"How has Ortiz been handling it?" Ricky asked.

"Like a little dictator," the Worm replied. "He's been ordering the Doctor and nurses around. But he's been astoundingly gentle with his better half," the studious man added in thinly veiled surprise.

It was true. The few times the old gang from Freek Land had conversed, they'd all shown their shock at how the former Dog Boy had chosen a rather unexpected mate. Erin was pretty but very shy and overweight. She was hardly the type of wife it would seem that a bold revolutionary would choose. She was a Christian too, in direct contrast to Ortiz's strong Marxist ways. They really did seem as diametrically opposed as a dog and a cat. Everyone whom knew them often wondered what the attraction had been. It, in particular, stumped the intellectual hater of macaroons.

"Is Erin okay?" Ricky asked.

"She's fine," the bearded lady said. "She's putting up with that fool of a husband she has and her contractions all at once. But that's what she gets for choosing a _dog_ for a mate."

At this statement, Ortiz himself appeared, dressed in his usual combat uniform. Transformed into a human again, he was a remarkabky handsome man, with the same brown eyes and long hair he had possessed as a Dog Boy, but without all the face fur and the wet nose.

The soon to be father opened his arms when he caught sight of the latest arrival to his Christmas gathering. "Ricky!" he exclaimed, his voice somewhat tense. Suddenly facing one another, Ortiz patted his upperarms painfully hard before hugging him quickly. "Comrade! We are glad you could come! But where are Julie and Ernie?"

"They hate travelling," Ricky gave an excuse that wasn't wholly bullshit. Ernie hated letting Julie drive whenever they went out together. In fact, he was trying feverently to get them to all move to Europe.

"That is too bad," Ortiz said sadly but then cheered up immediately. "No need to worry though. Erin and I shall take plentitudes of baby pictures for you to show them. Our child shall be a natural leader and extremely photogenic too."

Ricky smirked, knowing that the man's ego was still as healthy as ever.

A nurse suddenly appeared in the doorway. She looked around the waiting room at the many milkmen and seemed relieved when her eyes finally landed on Ortiz. "It's time," she said with a nod.

Ortiz suddenly seemed nervous but he took the many well wishes hurled at him and bravely summoned his courage. "In a few minutes, I will be a father!" he declared proudly before walking towards the delivery room.

Ricky Coogin watched him making his way down the corridor, followed closely by a mask wearing Doctor, until both men were blocked by a wall.

"Well, this should be interesting," the Human Torch said, swigging on his Beano.

Ricky continued looking down the corridor, however, his mind itching with one of those little feelings that didn't quite feel right. It was like the annoying voice of Stuey Gluck in his head.

Actually, it _was_ Stuey Gluck talking to him, their roles as being one another's soulmates coming in handy again.

"Think about the Doctor!" Stuey shouted inside of his mind, and Ricky remembered the bit of long blond hair sticking out from the scrub cap.

"Elijah C. Skuggs!" Ricky said under his breath and left the others, running towards the delivery room.

In the hallway, outside of the delivery room, Ricky gasped as he saw the crumbled form of the former leader of the freaks. "ORTIZ!" he cried and turned the man on to his side.

The man struggled to consciousness. "Someone hit me," he groaned.

"It was Skuggs," Ricky explained.

"ERIN!" Ortiz cried, getting to his feet immediately at the same time cries started to come from the delivery room.

Ricky followed the man into the room where a nurse was having a meltdown and Erin was screaming too, in pain, as she was lying on the table, having obviously just given birth but trying to get to her feet. "Ortiz!" she cried, falling into her husband's arm. "It was Skuggs! He took...he took the babies..."

"We know, Erin," Ortiz said, trying to soothe her.

"Babies?" Ricky said confused. "Were you expecting twins or something?"

"Shhhh..." Ortiz snapped, silencing his friend. "We'll get them back," he said gently to the still crying mother of the stolen children.

"Ortiz...I have to...I have to tell you," the woman was looking into her mate's eyes, trying to tell him something but then she went limp in his arms.

"NURSE!" the former leader of the Freaks called out, seeing the blood covering the woman he loved's hospital gown and dripping on to the floor.

* * *

An hour later, Ortiz was sitting by Erin's bedside while she slept. She had lost a lot of blood, Skuggs being an excellent mad scientist but a very poor obstetrician and had fallen into a coma. Her husband was gently stroking her curly brown hair and humming a song that sounded an awful lot like What's New Pussycat? Ricky watched from the corner of the room, trying to be silent and wondering why his one time enemy even allowed him to be there at all.

"Ricky," the man finally said.

"Yeah?"

"I need your help to go to Freek Land and get my children back. You were the only one whom was clever and powerful enough to usurp me before and I need your help now," Ortiz said, letting go of any pride he might have previously possessed.

"Count me in," Ricky Coogin said, overwhelmed by both the mission and the fact that the man would actually ask for his assistance.

"When she wakes up, I shall have returned our babies to her!" Ortiz vowed, standing and kissing the sleeping woman's hand.

* * *

As the sky darkened, Ricky was driving down the street once more, this time on the way to Freek Land. Ortiz was sitting by his side in the convertible, preparing enough artillery to make Rambo look like Charlie Brown.

"Erin really lets you keep all of that stuff?" Ricky asked, glancing over at the man and to the back seat, littered with more guns and bombs.

"Yes," he replied. "I told her it is was incase the Dog Catcher ever showed up."

Ricky looked at Ortiz askance before looking out at the road again. "You know, maybe it's not so Christian to fill your enemies full of lead on Christmas Eve."

"I am a Marxist. Karl Marx's birthday isn't until May," the man replied, cocking the gun.

"How about for Erin then? You know she loves Jesus."

Ortiz glared at him before sighing. "Okay. She accepts my friends, I shall accept hers," he conceded, throwing the gun in the backseat. It quickly went off and appropriately shot down a partridge sitting in a pear tree.

* * *

Outside of Freek Land, Ricky followed closely behind Ortiz, whom was now armed but not with what he would have liked.

"Hey, just be happy that I keep a can of hairspray in my glove department," Coogin hissed lowly.

Ortiz frowned at it in disgust. "You spoiled celebrities...you think of your appearance but not about the struggles of the common man."

"That was what I learnt during my time here," Ricky Coogin retorted. "What I learnt once I was promoting my book was that book buyers preferred that you have great hair for your appearances on talk shows! How about that for your _common_ man!"

They glared at one another in silence before a group of Rasta Eyeballs descended on them. Ortiz was first to move, spraying the hairspray directly into one's eyes. Ricky, meanwhile, sacrificed one of his hairs, ripping it out and using it as a makeshift eyelash for his opponent. The hairspray almost empty, and Coogin developing a small bald spot, they eventually defeated the army and closed in on the barn where Skuggs carried out his experiments.

Hearing strange noises coming from it, Ortiz stopped at the entrance and turned to Ricky, seeming to brace himself. "I want you to know that there was a time I hated you, Ricky Coogin...your movies were pure capitalist drivel, you sold your soul to commercialism, you stole my girlfriend..."

"I saw her first," Ricky reminded.

"You took over my Freaks," Ortiz carried on regardless. "But...you have been the one man I have respected. And if it was not for you, I never would have met my Erin."

Ricky smiled, pleased with the former Dog Boy's words of praise and gratitude, for he respected him too. "Tell, me Ortiz...why'd you choose Erin anyway? She's not exactly your type. Not that I know what the type of girl a Dog Boy Revoutionary is."

Ortiz smiled in fond remembrance. "She took me home and she bought me a licence. The first one ever in my life. Plus, when a woman lets you hump her leg and then offers you the other one to go to town on, you can be sure that she's a keeper."

Ricky flinched, trying to ward off the ensuing visual image.

Luckily, the new father was soon walking into the barn, making the horrifying thought be quickly pushed aside.

Ortiz and Ricky Coogin stepped into the barn, prepared for anything...

Except for the sight which greeted them.

Elijah C. Skuggs sat on the ground in the middle of the barn. No human babies could be seen, but all around him were 3 outrageously large kittens and 1 overgrown puppy. Upon closer inspection their size was contributed to their being half human. Their eyes were closed but the mad scientist and Freek Land owner was taking care of them lovingly, making sure that they never strayed too far away from him and fawning over them like a little boy would. Even when he saw the two men, all he could do was smile.

"We're too late, he used the Zygrot!" Ricky stated in disappointment, thinking the madman had used the Freak making poison on Ortiz's offspring.

"No, I didn't," Skuggs said, petting the puppy, which looked exactly like Ortiz had when he'd been the Dog Boy, only much younger. "They were like this when I got 'em. That girlfriend of yours must have had some Zygrot still left inside of her."

"Of course!" Ortiz stated with a large grin. "That was what Erin was trying to tell me before she went into the coma! That she'd had kittens and one puppy!"

"She's in a coma?" Elijah said. "Is she okay? She's gotta feed these cat girls and dog boy! Only her milk will do it!"

Both Ortiz and Ricky looked at one another in shock. "You mean you are just giving my children back to me? No need for a poor written fight sequence?"

The villian rose to his feet, scooping up the kittens and puppies and coming closer to the two men he had once treated horribly.

"My parents never let me have a pet," Elijah explained. "I think that's why I turned out so badly: a bad childhood and all that other bullshit. Here..." Skuggs handed the mewling, whimpering contents of his arms to their father and Ortiz held them safely to him.

"But...if there's anyway, when their older, can I have one?" Elijah asked.

"No," Ortiz replied, defensively. Skuggs expression quickly fell until the revolutionary found his Christmas spirit. "But you can come over to play with them," the once upon a time Dog Boy added. "Unless Erin dies. Than I shall rip your throat out with my own teeth."

A wide smile seized Elijah C. Skuggs face and he quickly cried out, "Well there is only one thing to say to that..."

"What?" Ricky asked in confusion, not knowing what he'd say to the proposition of being able to play with two former Freaks animal human hybrid offspring.

"GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!" the former baddy declared, holding out his arms in holiday goodwill.

* * *

Back at the hospital, Ortiz brought the kitty girls and the puppy boy into Erin's room and placed them on her bed. The woman remained unconscious, however as they crawled all over her chest, knowing what she had for them but not how to get at it.

Their father looked similarly lost, kneeling by their mother's side and taking her limp hand.

"I'm not one for either miracles or You," Ricky heard the man praying under his breath, "but today...for her...I'm asking, please exist long enough to hear me and to give me this one Christmas present."

Knowing how often God closed His ears, even for those whom loved Him, Ricky wasn't expecting much and felt bad when Ortiz lowered his head in grief.

Then the sleeping woman's fingers began to move in the hand which had once been a paw and her eyes began to flutter open.

"Ortiz?" Erin asked and her lover raised his head.

"Erin," he whispered, soon holding her face and kissing it all over, whipering the word "Gracias" in between.

"The babies!" she cried in happiness while her children (unique as they were) crawled towards her, trying to lick her face.

"Yes," their father said, crying in his own delight.

"You aren't upset that..." she started to ask but Ortiz shook his head violently. "Never...cats, dogs, humans...all I ever asked was that they were _ours_."

The husband and wife placed their foreheads together and Ricky almost felt guilty when he coughed to remind them of his presence.

"Ricky, my good _friend_ , helped me get them back," Ortiz stated, burying old hatchets once and for all like he used to bury bones.

"Thanks Ricky," Erin said, her eyes filled with gratitude.

"It was an honor," Coogin stated with a nod. "But, I think, I'd better head home now. Julie and Ernie will be worried."

"Please go home," Ortiz stated. "Christmas is for loved ones. That is what I learned today.

"Give them both our love," the happy mother stated, resting her forehead against her lover's again, weary, weak but joyful, the kitten girls and puppy boy waiting for their first feeding.

As Ricky turned and walked out the door, he thought he heard Ortiz asking Erin if she could manage with only two of something and her laughing out an affirmative "Yes."

Returning to his car, Ricky looked at the night sky and tried to find Sirius in honor of the night and his proud new papa friend. He suddenly didn't feel so bad about going home but was, on the contrary, excited about seeing Julie and Ernie again. Having your best friend melded to the woman you loved wasn't all so bad, he thought sliding in between the steering wheel. Most girlfriends eventually nagged about the amount of time you spent out with the guys anyway. Now he could kill two birds with one stone.Things could be worse, he mused, pulling out on to the street.

Although Ortiz and Erin would save on only needing a ball of yarn, a chew toy and a couple of boxes to keep their offspring entertained, Ricky didn't envy them having three cat girls and one dog boy they'd have to weigh if they should get spayed or neutered when puberty finally came around.

Whistling Frosty the Snowman, Ricky Coogin drove off into a silent and snowless night.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Keanu;
> 
> The previous Ortiz story was meant to be the last one dedicated to Freaked. Then I remembered I wanted to write one where, after receiving the antidote and becoming human again, I give birth to kitty and puppy hybrids. So, Christmas seemed perfect to do that.
> 
> Only, I ran into a problem.
> 
> It all seemed so boring. :/
> 
> So then a few days ago, I had the image of Skuggs disguised as a Doctor and stealing the babies. But how was I supposed to join Ortiz to go and get the kitties and puppies? I'd just given birth, for crying out loud! I could have written it from Ortiz's perspective, and while it would have been interesting, it didn't feel right.
> 
> Then, thank God, I thought of Ricky and everything fell into place. I needed an outsider to the already established relationship in this series, whom could look at it from a distance and see how sweet and warped it was. And whom better than Ricky Coogin? It's also a way to thank and give honor to the man who starred in, co-directed and co-wrote this off the wall and wonderfully crazy film.
> 
> So, I hope Alex won't mind being dragged into this madness and I hope that you'd enjoy this Christmas Eve tale too.
> 
> Speaking of which...
> 
> Merry Christmas Eve, Keanu! ;D <3
> 
> Oh, and did you catch the nod to Lady and the Tramp?
> 
> Much love,  
> Erin  
> XO XO  
> :D <3


End file.
